Home Study Approved!

When we first started our adoption, one of our biggest fears was the home study process.  It was actually a great experience and we feel like our social worker will be a great support for us as we move forward in this journey.

The home study process is long and involved, but not difficult.  It taught us a lot and raised questions we would have never even considered.  As uncomfortable as the idea of giving up all privacy and letting our lives be an open book may have been, it was completely worth it and I have no doubt we will be better parents to BOTH of our children having gone through this process.

We had a total of four meetings with our social worker, beginning in October and ending in February.  The meetings lasted several hours and were basically just a way for her to get to know as much as she could about us, from the time we were born. 

We talked a lot about our early childhoods, our relationships with our family members as we were growing up, our best and worst childhood memories/experiences, how we were disciplined and whether or not we would use those same methods, how well we did in school and how important education was to us.  She wanted to know what our personalities were like as children, who our friends were and what kinds of activities we were involved in.  She wanted to know our parents' occupations, our siblings' occupations and family situations, how much everyone will be involved with our adopted child, how they initially reacted to our decision to adopt from China and how supportive they are of that decision now.

We discussed our own relationship in detail - how we met, what qualities attracted us to one another, how we knew we wanted to get married, and how our marriage has evolved over the last 7 1/2 years.  We discussed our biggest strengths and weaknesses as a couple, what we have learned in our married life, and how we plan to work together in raising our children.  In our individual meetings, the social worker asked us what we thought our own individual strengths and weaknesses would be in terms of parenting and what we thought each other's strengths and weaknesses would be.  We talked about what we know we will do well and what we are worried about in terms of raising children.  We also discussed how the parenting and household duties will be divided and what types of things we will do together as a family.  It reminded me our our Pre-Cana meetings with our priest where we talked about our hopes and expectations about marriage to make sure we were on the same page and had a plan.

Our social worker focused a lot on parenting an adopted child, particularly a child of another race, versus parenting a biological child.  We learned a lot about the feelings of abandonment that our child will likely experience at various stages of her development, how those feelings might manifest in her behavior and how to best help her through those difficult times.  We also talked about how our biological child may be affected by the special attention our adopted child will require, which I can relate to, having grown up with an adopted sister. 

We talked about how some of the typical parenting and discipline techniques can be modified to work for an adopted child.  For example, instead of giving a child a "time-out" for misbehaving, it's often better to give an adopted child a "time-in" where you remove the child from the situation where the behavior is occurring and you sit with or hold your child for several minutes before returning to the activity.  This way you aren't allowing the behavior to continue, but you are also not making your sensitive child feel rejected by sending her away by herself.  You are letting her know that you still love her, but the behavior will not be tolerated.

There were a ton of other requirements for the Home Study, in addition to our meetings with the social worker.  Here's a partial list of other requirements we had to meet:

     - Reference Letters from 5 or 6 non-relatives (Thank you again to all who did these for us!)
     - Fingerprinting/BCI background checks for each of us
     - Full checkup and bloodwork for our dog Molly & letter from veterinarian
     - Background checks for both of us in any state in which we have ever lived
     - Letters for each of us from our local Police station stating that we have no record
     - Fire Safety inspection of our house performed by the Fire Marshall
     - Evacuation plans showing multiple escape routes from each room of our house
     - State Safety Audit of our house
     - Complete medical physicals, including bloodwork, for each of us
     - Complete financial statement showing all income, assets and liabilities
     - Copies of all income tax returns for the past 5 years
     - Certified Birth Certificates for each of us & a Certified Marriage Certificate
     - Letters from each of our employers verifying our income
     - 12 hours of parent training to meet Hague Convention requirements
     - 8 additional hours of parent training to meet state requirements
     - And much, much more!

And that was just for the Home Study!  It is unbelievable to see how much is required to be approved to adopt a child, yet there is not a single requirement for us to parent our biological child.  It will be all worthwhile once we have both of them here with us, though. 

Once our Home Study was approved, we were able to complete our I-800A (Application for Determination of Suitability to Adopt a Child), which we submitted to USCIS (U.S. Immigration) a few weeks ago.  USCIS assigned us a time to be fingerprinted again downtown in a few weeks, but we went early last week and they allowed us to do a walk-in instead of waiting for our appointment.  Now we just have to wait for USCIS to approve our application.  Once we receive our Approval Notice, we will have all the documents required to complete our dossier (all the documents that get mailed to China).

All of our documents will need to go through a 4 step certification process which will involve us having them notarized, certified by various county clerks offices, then certified by the states where they originated, and finally by the Chinese Consulate in New York.  Some of these steps can be done by mail and others we will have to do in person or hire a courier service.  Then once everything is approved by the consulate, we can mail our dossier to our adoption agency who will translate all the documents to Chinese and mail them to the Chinese government to be logged in to their system. 

Once our dossier is logged in by China, we are officially done on our end and just waiting to be referred the file of a child who may be our future daughter!

Our goal is to have our dossier logged in or at least on its way to China before the birth of our biological child. 

Of Course We Are!

The very first thing I thought when I saw the positive pregnancy test was
"This can't be right.  Is this test expired?"

After several more tests, I became convinced that there was no mistake and my next thought was,
"Oh, no.  How is this going to affect our adoption plans?!" 

After years of trying to conceive a baby, it's hard to believe that I felt a little disappointed when it finally happened.  Not that I wasn't grateful for this miracle pregnancy and not that I didn't want this biological child, but I was afraid the timing might interfere with us bringing home our OTHER child.  The one who was already on our minds and in our hearts.  I didn't want anything to stand in our way, not even this precious new life within me.

I was also concerned about how Michael would react when I told him the news.  I know he is completely on board with the adoption, but I also know that having a biological child was much more important to him than it ever was to me.  I've always said I would gladly adopt all of my children and I absolutely meant it.  For some reason I don't have that biological drive to reproduce and pass on my genes.  I think there are things that I can give my children that are far more important than genetics.  Things like love, acceptance, knowledge, faith, morals, traditions and memories.  I often wondered if God had placed those feelings in me as a way to protect my heart because He knew we would be unable to have biological children.  Apparently not.  :)

Over the past year or so as we've been researching and preparing for our adoption, Michael has joined my way of thinking and he agrees that you can absolutely leave your mark on this world and leave a part of yourself in the children you raise, whether or not they share your DNA.  But somewhere in the back of my mind, I always wondered if he really felt as strongly as I do about adoption, or if he was just going along with it because it was the only option it seemed we had.  After all, we had spent years trying to conceive and had no indication that it was ever going to happen.

When Michael found out that a biological child was on the way, would it change the way he felt about our adoption?
All I could do was say a prayer and hope for the best. 

I took the pregnancy tests in the morning, while Michael was in the shower.  I was in complete shock, with absolutely no idea how to tell him, so I climbed back in bed and didn't say anything when he kissed me goodbye and headed out to do the grocery shopping.

While he was gone, I had time to come up with a plan to tell him the news.  I decided to secretly videotape his reaction.  I don't know if I'll ever have another opportunity to tell him I'm pregnant, so I wanted to capture the moment.  I set up a small camera on the kitchen counter and luckily he didn't notice it.

A good friend of ours had been in the hospital for several weeks and I had been taking care of her cats every weekend.  I was aware that there can be dangerous toxins in cat litter and pregnant women should avoid it, so I decided to use that as my way to tell Mike the news, since I needed to take care of the cats that day. 

I would ask him to change the cat litter for me and I was sure he would resist, as it would interfere with his plans.  I expected there to be a bit of an argument and at some point he would ask me why I couldn't just do it myself and I would tell him.  :)

Right after he left for the store, I got online and found a due date calculator.
4th of July.
I couldn't believe it.

I wrote on my stomach
"Baby # 1, expected arrival July 4, 2013"
so that I could lift up my shirt and show Mike when I gave him the news.

Here's how it went:

I have watched this video again and again and I always get emotional when Mike says,

"We're still adopting.  How cool will that be to have TWO?!"

Apparently my fears were completely unfounded. 

It didn't even cross his mind that we wouldn't still have a Chinese daughter.

His reaction was all I could have ever hoped for and I am so glad I was able to capture it so that someday we can show our little girl that when her daddy found out a biological child was on the way, the first thing he thought of was HER. 

She is wanted and chosen and she will be loved and treasured as much as any biological child.

Our Chinese daughter is so much a part of our daily conversations and our plans for the future that it's nearly impossible to picture our family without her. She's already a part of us and we wouldn't have it any other way.

So, as family and friends continue to find out we are having a biological child, the first question we are asked is almost always the same.

"Are you still planning to adopt?"

And I am thrilled to be able to answer the same each time.

"Of course we are!!!"