I've been struggling a bit lately.
Before the holidays, we spoke with our adoption agency and were given reason to hope that we might very soon be "matched" with our daughter. A "match" occurs when the agency receives the file of a child that meets our family's designated criteria (age, gender, health) according to a checklist we filed with our agency, and we are given that file to review. Families are matched in the order in which they file checklists. Ours was filed back in August of 2012. At that time, there were hundreds of other families ahead of us and we were told to expect to wait a minimum of 18-24 months for a match. In late October we spoke with our agency and they told us we were finally very close to if not at the top of the list! We were surprised, a little nervous, but mostly just very excited to meet our little girl!
Since that conversation, we have not received a referral.
As exciting as it would have been to finally "meet" our daughter, not getting a match over the holidays was honestly kind of a relief. Her nursery is far from finished, I feel like I haven't read enough books about adopting a toddler, we don't have a passport for Carter, we're not sure what vaccinations he would need for travel to China, and we basically just didn't feel ready for a referral last year. Even after waiting for over two years.
Almost five months later, though, I'm starting to feel impatient.
Not that I'm not content with my life as it is, but mostly because I don't know how to plan anything anymore.
For the past year and a half (since our dossier was officially logged in with China), I've known that we could theoretically get a referral at any time. It wasn't likely, but it was possible. I really didn't worry about it because it seemed so far off. Now, though, the fact that I know a referral is coming (sooner rather than later) has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'm planning Carter's birthday party for June and I don't know whether I'll have one child or two at that point. We have a wedding out of town this summer and I don't know whether to book a hotel room for the night or if we'll have recently returned from China and I'll need to be home with our new daughter. Or maybe we'll be in China at that time!
On top of that, we were also told in October that once we accept a
referral we could travel in as few as 9 weeks! When we began our adoption, we were told that we would
be waiting 4-7 months from referral to travel. We were given that time frame over and over again, from various agencies as well as from
parents who had recently adopted. While I knew it would be
excruciating to have our daughter's picture in our hands and then have
to wait all those months to have her in our arms, it was much easier to
make plans in the meantime. I could just put the adoption out of my
mind when committing to dates unless they were far in the future. Now
that I know that we could theoretically be on our way to China nine weeks from
today, or nine weeks from tomorrow, or nine weeks from next week, it's
become a little more difficult to plan! Should I sign Carter up for mommy-and-me swim lessons this summer?!?
I'm feeling out of control because I don't know what our family will look like or what our day-to-day lives will be like at any time after the next nine weeks. In fact, I don't really even know what the next nine weeks will look like because we might get "the call" this week and spend the next two months packing, sending documents back and forth to China, arranging travel, scrambling to finish the nursery, etc., or we might continue to wait for several more months.
It's not just the travel I'm thinking about, but life after we get back from China. I imagine things will be quite different once we have our daughter, especially in the early weeks and months home. The logistics of doing things right now, with one toddler who is outnumbered 2 to 1 by adults, versus doing those same things with two toddlers might be a bit more complicated. Especially since Carter will be going through a huge adjustment and our daughter will be going through an even bigger adjustment. And so will we!
I've been thinking a lot about how Carter is going to react to having a
new sister. And not just a helpless newborn, but possibly a walking,
talking toddler. One who will take his toys and might (out of
necessity) have picked up some less-than-desirable behaviors along the
way. He does great on his play dates with Logan, but Logan has never
tried to hit Carter or bite him or push him away from his own mother.
Logan brings a mommy with him when he comes over. And after a few hours they go home. It's going to be a whole new ballgame when Carter has a sister with whom he must share his
mommy. A sister who never leaves and who in many ways will require far
more time and energy than even a newborn sibling would.
For as long as I can remember, my mom has told the story of bringing me home from the hospital and how my brother (2 1/2 years older than me) took one look at me and immediately said, "Take that baby back to the hospital!" She thinks he always resented me for messing up his "perfect" life. I think that's probably the reason I've been so interested in "child spacing". I have read any article or study I can find on this subject. Basically the consensus seems to be that the best spacing is either very close in age (before the first child is old enough to remember a time without the new sibling) or far apart in age, like four years of more (so the older child is more like a care-taker of the younger and doesn't see the new sibling as a threat). The age everyone seems to agree is the worst for accepting a new sibling is between two and three years old. When I heard we might get a referral around the holidays, I was happy that we would have traveled to China, brought our daughter home and had some time to adjust, all before Carter's second birthday. Unfortunately that scenario is not looking very likely to happen.
I worry more and more as the weeks tick by and we get closer and closer to Carter's second birthday. How is he going to handle this? Is this adoption going to ruin his life? Am I being selfish because I've always wanted to adopt and I have my heart set on a little girl from China?
I truly believe that while the initial adjustment will be difficult for all of us, we will all be blessed and our lives greatly enriched by the special gift of this opportunity to adopt a daughter. I am confident that Carter will be far better off in the long run for having a sister. He will have a built-in playmate for years and hopefully a best friend for life. He will learn to share, to love, to be compassionate, to work out disagreements, the value of teamwork and all sorts of other life lessons that come from growing up with a sibling.
It's just the timing that's been eating at me. Why does he have to be two years old when we adopt? The very worst age for a new sibling. I've been thinking about it more and more the past few weeks. I don't want to question God and I've been trying to put my trust in Him, but it's been difficult. I just want everything to be perfect, or at least as perfect as possible. Not for myself, but for my children. I want them to bond with one another as much as I want our daughter to bond with us.
I try to remember that God's timing is perfect, but it's been particularly difficult this week. I've been praying for peace amidst this total lack of control that I am feeling. I've asked for an extra dose of patience and for Him to help me to not feel anxious or worried about the coming months.
But I still felt uneasy.
Then as I was picking up toys during Carter's afternoon nap the other day, I found this on the kitchen counter.
Carter has never put any of his toys on the kitchen counter ever. Frankly, I didn't even know he could reach past the very edge of the counter. So when I saw some of his foam letters up there, of course they caught my eye. I had my hands full as I walked past the first time, but when I came back to pick up those letters, I noticed that Carter had inadvertently spelled out "G-O-D". I kind of chuckled, knowing that not only does he not know how to spell, but he is too short to even see the order in which he was placing his letters up there.
I assumed it was an odd coincidence,
then for a split second I wondered if maybe it wasn't.
What if it was orchestrated by Him, as a sign that he has heard my prayers this week?
I looked again at the letters.
G-O-D, an X and a 2.
"God times two."
Two children, both brought to us by God.
Both in His timing.
According to His plan.
I thought of my pregnancy with Carter. It was not at all when I had planned to have a baby.
In fact, after years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, we were actually trying not to get pregnant at that time, instead wanting to focus all our time and energy on the adoption. We learned that God's plans are sometimes different than ours, but His plans are perfect!
If we had conceived a child at any other time, it would not have been Carter. We absolutely adore our precious little boy and we are so grateful that God gave him to us, according to His timeline, not ours!
And just like our son is the perfect child for us, I know that our daughter will be, too. I should know well by now that I need to leave the planning to God and stop worrying about every little thing because He's got this.
He's
got this!
And He knows far better that I do what is best for our family. Far more than any study or article on child spacing!
Coincidence or not, those letters on the kitchen counter have brought me such comfort the past few days.
So I will continue to wait.
Patiently.
In the meantime, we are treasuring every day with Carter. Enjoying as many outings as possible, while the adults still outnumber the toddler 2 to 1. We are cognizant of the fact that each trip to the zoo, to the arboretum or to the farm could be our last as a family of three. As much as I long to be a family of four, I absolutely adore our little family as it is right now.
Out of curiosity, when Carter got up from his nap I asked him to show me the letters on the counter. Just as I suspected, he could barely reach them, even on his tiptoes!
